you're my playground love

I get it now, what it's all about.

Life.
Love.
Happiness.

I've come a long way. Learned so much. Overcame so many demons. I deserve this. And I finally accept that. Funny how hard that can be, sometimes.

Nights like this are perfect, and make me realize what I have and how far I've (we've) come.

"good job, chef" made me smile.

I'm calm tonight, my brain isn't racing. I feel pretty good about everything. I finally understood the difference, the balance, between driving for the future, appreciating the present and learning from the past. It's a balance. I've got it mastered. At least for today.

And right now, I'll take each day as it comes. I've got my dreams, hopes, aspirations. But I'm not about to live for the future and forsake the present.

Because it's pretty amazing.

I'm not one to put all my eggs in one basket, especially when it comes to love. I'm not one to 'need' another. I won't ever be. But for the first time in my life (20 years this sunday) I couldn't ever picture myself with anyone else, real or imagined.

Now, isn't that something?

I'm floored, to say the least. It gives me hope for everything else in my life.

And hope, that's a great thing.

life is what you make it

Cheesy, but absolutely true.

This has in been my mind for a while, really...but I've been sick and not capable of intelligent thought.

My life is rough right now. I'm wading through a lot of water under the bridge (yeah, what's up with that?) and scraping by in life until the light at the end of the tunnel gets a bit brighter (more on that later). But I'm happy.

Why?

Because I'm loved. My family is a dysfunctional pain in the ass, but they love me. All in their own ways, with their own issues and conditions. I'm learning to accept that, and embracing what I do have in a family. I have enough money to survive, a roof over my head. The sun shines enough and I'm decently healthy.

I have someone to care about me when I'm sick. My mom brought me food today - thank you! B came by to cuddle and stroke my hair so I could relax and smile. He took me out for food and fresh air and medicine. He makes sure I'm happy and healthy.

We fight, all of us. I fight and struggle with the people I love the most.

I don't know why, I just wanted to write this. That I love everyone closest to me, for all the problems we have. I wouldn't change anyone for the world.

it's absolute time.

I haven't blogged much lately. Life is life. Same old, same old.

But all I want to do tonight is write. I don't know why, or what...only that it will help everything.

I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships. Past, present, future. Mostly past. Why certain relationships made a huge impact, and why some I have to struggle to remember. I still don't have an answer, but it led me to something really interesting about my last relationship. The one I'm still twisted over once in a while. Why did I fall back into a relationship with that man? After a previous failure that left me really hurt? It makes sense now, the role he has always played for me. I'm grateful, I really am. Because that relationship has really and completely led me to this place now. Let me open up, allowed me to find myself (through the good and the bad), what I want, and ultimately was the reason I ever met B.

Here's the truth, really: it was all a lead-up. I wasn't ready for B the first time he stumbled into my view. So I scrambled away and kept stumbling around, data gathering and throwing back. Eventually I made it. I made it to the point where I knew. I had overcame the basics, the last piece that held me back from a real and healthy relationship. Sure, I still mucked up a lot in the beginning with B. We both mucked up a lot in those first could months. But it made us so much stronger.

I realize that as a reader, this blog is really boring now. No more drama and crap relationships. It's more like a sappy romance novel then a soap opera. But sorry, it's my life...it's not made for entertainment. :)

I'm happy. My life is a mess in a lot of ways. I'm confused, worried, trying to make huge changes in who I am and my life. But honestly, I'm so happy.

I'm so in love, for the first time. It's different. Yeah, everybody says that. But it's true. There is something absolute about this relationship. It feels good. Solid.

Solidity. I think it's everything I've been missing for near 20 years.

I'm ready for it. I'm ready for financial, emotional, physical stability.

I've put off my plans of schooling. A lot of people would simply say I'm scared, giving up, whatever. I'm over caring. I may be 'disappointing' people, but I don't care. I want financial stability for once in my life, and school is not going to give me that for YEARS. I want it next month.

I know what I want, what I'm ready for.

Life.

view from the top

I should be sleeping. But the rain is pattering my windows and the air smells so good. My legs are aching, my eyes heavy. But I'm so happy.

I'm coming to grips, finally, with a lot of the people in my life. Who they are, to me and in generalities. Who they will never be, and more important the simple fact that they don't define me. I am who I am, regardless. That being said, in the wake of mind-boggling family chaos, I realized how invaluable having someone to talk to is. To really talk, in adult terms, with someone removed from the family life. Someone to cry to, yell to, vent to. Who laughs at the right times and consoles when I need it most. It's good.

What's better is spontaneity. B was scheduled for a drive (boy madness) today, but money and weather just pushed it off a ways. Lucky me, secretly! I worry enough without it being a thunderstorm!! So instead, B wanted to do something "crazy stupid" and drug me along for the ride. We hiked up to the local "Bat Caves"...which sadly don't actually have bats anymore. It was as much as my injured knee and out of shape body could handle. My legs are battered, my lungs exhausted, and I've got my knee chillin' out on ice. I'll whine tomorrow, but I feel great. It's an accomplishment that probably no one else understands but B. I've cried to him all our relationship about how hard it was for my body to not allow me to do the things I love to do. I whined a lot hiking up, but after a cold drink and an hour laying down, I was sleepy and happy. B was ecstatic that I could make the hike with only a few knee twinges, and now he's all gung-ho for an Autumn of hiking! Lucky me!

I don't normally blog daily BS, but it feels good. I came home (late) with a weird feeling. That promonition feeling in my stomach of something not really bad but far from good. I was right. My eyes welled up and I got the all-too-familiar sense of betrayal. But I stopped a tear from falling, and snapped out of it. Because guess what? IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE.

Hot damn.

This girl is happy.

I've got everything under the sun that anyone could wish for. And everything just keeps getting better.

The life ahead of me looks so amazing I can't wait to conquer it, and the next mountain, and the next.

But right now, just this moment, the view from here is pretty damned awesome already.

lies

The rules keep changing, evolving. Disappearing. The rules were firm, consequences expansive. I played the game so carefully. Dodging, morphing, believing it was all worthwhile.

I gave up the game and walked away. Took on a new persona, built a new life. Time to change, time to forget, time to move on.

But you started playing again, and never clued me in. Now I'm caught in the middle of round 7 with no defense. No offense. No chance. I play, I dodge and dash and fall on my face.

What's worse, I know I'm doing it. I know the second I start where I'm going to go. What this will turn into. My heart races like a junkie's. My throat dries up, my words are jumbled. I hate it. But I love so much to hate it that I can't stop. My face feels hot and I feel guilty.

I'm treading on thin ice. Dancing the wire. I hate it. I want it to stop.

I could, I would. But yet, when you dance this dance solo for so long, to suddenly have a partner in crime is too hard to walk away from without a second glance. I keep looking, lingering. Like something will change.

I cast off any 'blame' and made it not my fault. No guilt. But it's a lie. I know what I do. I understand it, I accept it. Anyone would. But it destroys me. Little by little. I could at least hold onto my own goodness, until I started the round. Dip, dodge, dash. Laugh, laugh, laugh.

My heart hurt and I knew it wasn't okay. I knew this wasn't just a game. It was life. It was real. These are people, this is love. No game. No start over. No second chances. I know that. I know I won't risk everything for nothing.

How far do you fall before you catch yourself? Does the world as you know it have to end? Do you have to end it? Do you have to end?

Obsession.

grown up butterflies

I've become seemingly un-romantic, haven't I? But in my heart, I'm more romantic than ever.

I remember when I used to dream about 'falling in love' and how it would be. And how it never seemed to be remotely close to that, ever. I just kept thinking it wasn't the right person, that's why. Now I understand it's something more.

Love is not usually like fairy tales. It's not love at first sight. It's not all rainbows and butterflies. It's not about raging passion (well, sometimes it is...).

Everybody knows the saying "love is blind". But I think that's false. Love is a huge magnifying glass that zooms in on every little annoying detail about a person. It's not blind, it's crystal-freaking-clear.

I know a couple who from the very beginning seemed totally wrong for each other. They both sort of annoy me (good people, but big personalities) and I, along with many others, couldn't understand why they were so in love...and more, how they made it work. I didn't think they'd last. Now, being in a relationship that is very much the same, I get it. They see each other's faults completely. Are not blind as I thought, do not love those faults (because who loves a fault?) but they love each other anyway.

Duh.

B is often telling me "I love you anyway" when I'm being annoying in some way or another. We are completely aware of each other, our weaknesses and faults. This is not blind. This is eyes-wide-open love.

And that, I think, is the real difference. The real grown-up feeling of this love.

I would much much rather someone say "I love you anyway" then "you're perfect". I'm not, I know it (or I should know it), and if someone said that to me, it would be a lie. "I love you anyway" despite everything about you I don't really like.

I'll take this magnifying glass over blindness any day, thank you very much.

=)

judgements and change

I don't know why I feel the way I do, or if it's justified. I don't exactly know what this post will end up being about. I just know I have to keep writing.

Why do we hold onto the relationships we do? The friendships, loves, enemies. Why does it seem like moving on is so difficult to do. Why do we hold onto someone that if we met again today for the first time, we would never take a second glance.

I know it's just growing up, moving on, changing. I know I've changed so much and yes, I know a lot of it is (in my mind) thanks to B. He himself hasn't changed me, but has pushed me to make the changes I want(ed) to, and challenges me to be who I want to be. He brings out the best in me. I like who I am. I'm proud of who I am.

Friendships, and relationships, from past years and lifestyles are hard for me to let go of. I'm always wondering if I should be. Can't I just accept that they are different, or I am different now, and leave it at that? But why? Why be friends with someone now that I don't respect? I don't, which I think is all it comes down to.

Do I feel like I'm better than other people? Not really. Or maybe. NOT a 'better human being'...because I don't think that's something that can be judged. But I have my own standards, my own personal morals. And yes, within those, I am better. In my life, I'm better. Because I'm the best me I've ever been. There are people in my life that are a little higher on my standards ladder, and thus I feel they are good people. Is this wrong? Do I care?

I sound so high and mighty...but I'm not. I don't think people are good or bad. I don't think I'm all that great sometimes...I understand reality. But I can't help judging people based on my standards and morals. Isn't that normal?

I think it boils down to the fact that I am who I am, and I want to surround myself with people who uplift me and make me feel good about myself. I don't like feeling pulled down. I don't like spending a lot of time with people I have nothing in common with. So why do I force friendships and relationships?

I think it's time to move on.

I've changed, and my life needs to change as well, doesn't it? Seems simple, but it's so difficult.